How has life treated you, so far? It must have been kind to you. I hope so. You are a very spirited guy - I wish there would be nothing happen that can break that spirit.
I shall write the trivials that had happened, happened, is happening, is going to happen in mine. I feel that you are not interested in discussing serious stuff, but. I. Cannot. Think. Of. Anything. Else.
I was sad, and am still. Once you are changed, it is often irrevocable and irreversible. Things that could make you happy in the past are no longer effective for they have been trumped by other things. The change of situation had been too rapid and things had been complicated, difficult, and spirit-breaking since. I lost income and freedom and comfort - the reduction in situation had been too sudden.
I am lucky to have friends that are supportive and willing to comfort me. I owe them a lot. And I am forever thankful that I learned to swim. It has been exhilarating when I discover that I was still able to float and move in the water. I did not sink, even once. I did not choke. Truly, it is a comfort knowing that I am still skilled in that thing.
I will try to further my education abroad. Once you tasted freedom and comfort, you will yearn more for it. I do, at least.
The scariest thing is how different the me here and the me there. I hate the me here. I love the me there. And it makes me extremely exasperated and afraid - how if I am stuck as the me here? God, I do need the chance. Please give me.
And last thing last...
I had missed, am missing, miss you terribly. I am still reeling from it. Is it a stupid thing to never let go and always remember? But I think I do not care if people say it is stupid, because it is my call, and I am the one who is responsible for it. It affects my daily life, true, but not that severe. I am the functional cripple.
I hold you dear, in my heart. I feel very affectionate towards you. I cherish you, treasure you as something precious. That's what I always feel when I see you - a very precious bronze-haired boy.
But do not be afraid that I will chase you shamelessly and senselessly. I shall not cling like kudzu, I swear. I wouldn't be a suffocating presence. I will hate myself should I ever transform to be someone like that!
But I will not let go, because I am unable and unwilling to.
On the other hand, if space and distance are the things you want, so be it. Although it is difficult. But I reflect, and I realize that it must be uncomfortable and awkward to you, sometimes.
I am looking forward to meeting you again in person.
Happy Easter.
Faithfully yours,
D.S.
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